Comedy Central, Let's Have A Giggle!!

A U.S. and Iraqi soldier are pulling watch together one evening on a check point near Kirkuk. They watch the traffic go by, everyone hurrying home before the curfew takes effect. Suddenly the Iraqi soldier raises his weapon and fires into a car passing by, killing the driver.
The American franticly asks the Iraqi; "Why did you shoot him? Did he pull a gun? Have a bomb?" The Iraqi soldier calmly answered; "No, curfew violation." The American is shocked. "Curfew violation!?! Curfew doesn't start for another 15 minutes!"
"I know" replies the Iraqi, "but I know that guy; he would have never made it home in time."

You started a great thread here Alkie.

Thanks to all. Really laughed my tits off!

Trying to remember one worthy to post :D

Schoolteacher Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her pupils. "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered,
"I'm too smart for my year. I'm in year two and I am just as smart my older sister and she is in year three, it's not fair, I should be in her class!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She takes Harry to the Headmasters office.
While Harry waits in the outer office, the teacher explains to the Headmaster what the situation is. The Headmaster tells Ms. Brooks he will give the boy a test. If he fails to answer any of his questions he will to go back to his normal class and behave. She agrees.

Harry is brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test.

Headmaster: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."

Headmaster: " What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the Headmaster thought an older pupil should know.

The Headmaster looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can join his sisters year and class."
Ms. Brooks says to the Headmaster, "Let me ask him some questions."

The Headmaster and Harry both agree.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The Headmaster wondered why would she would ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps in to?"
Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."

The Headmaster sits forward with his mouth hanging open aghast.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The Headmaster eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer,
Harry replies, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."

The Headmaster is trembling now.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."

The Headmaster breathes a sigh of relief and turns the teacher and says, "Put Harry in the fifth year, I got the last seven questions wrong......

One Friday, two women were sitting and talking.
One woman looked up and saw her husband coming down the street with a bunch of flowers in his hand.
She rolled her eyes and said, “Here comes the asshole with flowers in his hand. Now he'll expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air.”
'Oh?' said her friend, “Don't you have a vase?”

And a quckie to finish with:

How do you make your wife scream after an orgasm?

...Wipe your dick on the curtains.

Back to school :D

and especially

The Big O :D :D :D

Quality, thanks for those

HOW TO PROPERLY PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES ?

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new employees in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours. Then analyze the situation:
a. If they are counting the bricks put them in the Accounting Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put then in Engineering .
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources .
i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved , put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.

The Backup Song. Tune: Beatles' Yesterday

Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay,
Now my database has gone away,
Oh I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly,
There´s not half the files there used to be,
And there's a millstone hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone
And I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Yesterday,
The need for backups seemed so far away,
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.

The following is an actual advertisement in an Irish Newspaper..(which one I do not know -I do not care) :D

1985 Blue Volkswagen Golf
Only 15 km
Only first gear and reverse used
Never driven hard
Original tires
Original brakes
Original fuel and oil
Only 1 driver
Owner wishing to sell due to employment lay-off

1. There are even more positions in which you can do nothing.

2. Nothing is free.

3. You can do nothing with anybody, at any time, and nobody will spread
nasty rumors about you.

4. You can eat or sleep while you do nothing, and nobody will be
offended.

5. It's perfectly alright to look bored while you do nothing.

6. While you may get fired for doing nothing at work, you probably won't
get sued for it.

7. Keep those hard-earned pounds -- do nothing!

8. No man would dream of forcing a woman to do nothing.

9. The less effort you make, the better doing nothing is.

10. Chances are, you won't feel the effects of doing nothing nine months
from now.

11. Doing nothing when you are inebriated won't lead to any embarrassing
situations later on.

12. Men and women generally take the same amount of time to do nothing.

13. You can do nothing with your kids without getting arrested.

14. You can do nothing in your car, on an airplane, in a school or work
desk, in a restroom, on the toilet, in the bathtub, and on a hard tile
floor in relative comfort.

15. PMS won't keep you from doing nothing (thank heavens).

16. Being "in the mood" to do nothing is no big effort.

17. You can do nothing if you are paralyzed from the neck down.

18. There is no point in your life at which you are incapable of doing
nothing.

19. People ENJOY getting phone calls when they are doing nothing.

20. Doing nothing will never be a disappointing experience.