Comedy Central, Let's Have A Giggle!!
A English lawyer and a Scotsman are sitting next to each other on a train. The lawyer is thinking that the Scots are so dumb that he could put one over on him easily...So the lawyer asks if he would like to play a fun game.
The Scot is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun.
"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only £5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £500",
This catches the Scots attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?'
The Scot doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five pound note and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's his turn. He asks the lawyer,
'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Scot and hands him £500. he happily pockets the £500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Scot up and asks,
'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'
The Scot reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer £5 and goes back to sleep.
And the moral of this little tale?
Never underestimate the guile of a Scotsman!
And The Next One Please!!
For 3 days now the wife hasn't been speaking to me, just because I wouldn't open the car door for her...
...I wasn't really my fault...
...I just panicked and swam to the surface!!
Ohh Naughty, A Bit Of Politics Next
For the past week black women all around the US have been shaving their pussies in celebration of Obama's election success.
And their message to the world is this...
..."Read Our Lips...No More Bush!!"
Why nothing is better than sex
1. There are even more positions in which you can do nothing.
2. Nothing is free.
3. You can do nothing with anybody, at any time, and nobody will spread
nasty rumors about you.
4. You can eat or sleep while you do nothing, and nobody will be
offended.
5. It's perfectly alright to look bored while you do nothing.
6. While you may get fired for doing nothing at work, you probably won't
get sued for it.
7. Keep those hard-earned pounds -- do nothing!
8. No man would dream of forcing a woman to do nothing.
9. The less effort you make, the better doing nothing is.
10. Chances are, you won't feel the effects of doing nothing nine months
from now.
11. Doing nothing when you are inebriated won't lead to any embarrassing
situations later on.
12. Men and women generally take the same amount of time to do nothing.
13. You can do nothing with your kids without getting arrested.
14. You can do nothing in your car, on an airplane, in a school or work
desk, in a restroom, on the toilet, in the bathtub, and on a hard tile
floor in relative comfort.
15. PMS won't keep you from doing nothing (thank heavens).
16. Being "in the mood" to do nothing is no big effort.
17. You can do nothing if you are paralyzed from the neck down.
18. There is no point in your life at which you are incapable of doing
nothing.
19. People ENJOY getting phone calls when they are doing nothing.
20. Doing nothing will never be a disappointing experience.
You Will Have To Be A Scot To Get This One!!
Weather warning
Glasgow HURRICANE APPEAL
Hurricane 'Senga' hit Glasgow in the early hours of yesterday morning. Victims were seen wandering round aimlessly muttering, "Pure mental, man no?"
The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £90 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and Seville were damaged beyond repair. Three historically important areas of burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived the next morning.
Police state that incidences of looting, muggings and car crime were particularly high during the night, but calmed down when the hurricane struck.
Twenty-two asylum seekers were rescued from an apartment in The Gorbals, rescuers are going to search the second bedroom later today.
Scot FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Glasgow.
One resident, Bernadette O'Reilly, a 15 year old mother of 5 said "It gied me a pure fright so's it did. My little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into ma bedroom greetin'. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan- Storm slept through it all. Ah wiz still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning, so ah wiz". Neighbour Joseph 'young young' McGurn said "The noise wiz tremendous. At first ah thoat it wiz the Neds coming oot of Lord Carsons, but it wiz even worser.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Buckfast and two tons of Tunnocks Teacakes to the area to help stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching the rubble and have found quantities of personal belongings including Benefit books and bone china from Poundstretchers.
Residents in Edinburgh offered to accommodate those left homeless, but the Glaswegians decided they were better off where they were.
A Council spokesman has indicated that it would take take at least a full morning to get things looking like normal and added "There has been a pure Blitz spirit, everybody's been pure blitzed".
Poundstretcher has agreed to stay open 24 hours to allow residents to refurbish their homes.
The Government has pledged to ensure that bookies, pubs, chip shops and other essential services will reopen as soon as possible.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This Appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.
Clothing most sought after includes - Fila or Burberry baseball caps, Hoodies, Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers), Shell suits (female), white sport socks, Rockport boots or Adidas trainers.
Food parcels are also urgently required. Please try to include - Microwave chips, Pies from Greggs, Sugar Puffs, Tins of spaghetti, Gypsy Creams Curly-Wurlies, Red Cola, cans of Special Brew and Diamond White, bottles of Buckie or El Dorado, glue or hairspray.
Just 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms. £2 buys chips, crisps and Irn-Bru for a family of nine. £3 will pay for a pouch of tobacco, papers and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
*Breaking News*
Rescue workers have found a 10-year-old girl in the rubble Apparently she was smothered in raspberry Alco- pop. When asked where she was bleeding from she replied "Stanley Road, whit's it got to dae wi' you?"
4 Attachment(s)
What The Consequences Will Be And...
...Why you should never...
,,,EVER...
...Get CAUGHT!!
